What's the Reason Behind It?

I just come in from a wedding of a good friend. I was there to render some of my services. The wedding ceremony and the reception happened in the same place. It was a simple, fast wedding.

During times like these, especially if you're in the company of people you somehow made connections with, you can't help but unearth some ugly part of your past that most people find... amusing to dig up and wave in front of your face. This time... it happened to me... again.

I know I've made a couple of lousy stuff in my time... and the last thing I need is to be reminded of them... again. These people know first hand what happened. They were there when all the hurtful yet real words were coming out of my mouth...YES, I DID IT...WE DID IT, I'M GUILTY. Unfortunately... I was the only person who admitted to the wrong that was done. Then and there, I made a public declaration of that stupid, stupid thing, and I'm the only one who carried that cross of shame and humiliation. I was in-front of the whole deacons' committee and all the pastors of that church. I might as well faced them naked, because I was stripped down to being humiliated. But for the benefit of the church... I did it.

I found myself not being able to think straight for over a month. My older sister, at that time, would just find me sometimes in a catatonic state. I'd be staring at nothing, thinking of nothing, and then I'd just tear up because the scenario would run through my head again. I did that because the reputation of a church was at stake... that's what they told me. They said this person was circulating lies. In their own words, they said they were being attacked. . And even though I thought I was just being used to discredit this person, I just took it all in... it was my my fault anyway... partly.

Funny thing, though... one dear friend who was somehow caught in all the hub-bub said that what I did was a noble thing... and that I was a hero. I love this dear friend of mine... but during that time... I did not feel like a hero... not one bit. Every time there'd be gatherings and I'd be there, people would give me weird, smiling glances... They even secretly point at me ("Oh, so that's him...").

Some hero, right?

BUT... eventually, I've learned to forgive myself for being stupid. It was years after that I was able to forgive this person, though. It took an overseas missions trip for me to realize how I was being a hypocrite for telling other people about God's love and forgiveness when I was, in fact, not forgiving of others myself. I did forgive this person, but now, I'm wiser. Somehow, the experience taught me a very valuable lesson about self respect... and who to trust.

BUT... to be reminded of how it was... sucks. Certain emotions come back... anger, fear, hurt, confusion... I later realized that I was having verbal diarrhea. I was back to fueling the negative feelings with words... real but hurtful words. It was a spiritual relapse, what happened earlier. It was awful... The moment I realized it, spiritual logic kicked in, but the thing with diarrhea is... once you have it, it's pretty hard to contain, right? (Sorry for the analogy). Good thing though, the people who were talking with me had to leave. I was left there, finally silent, but my thoughts are running like crazy.

I believe in predestination... everything has a reason for happening. Right now, I'm yet to figure out why this event had to happen. What was God teaching me? The answers are, to be frank, a bit blurry, but I hold on to what the Bible says about all things working out for the good of those who love Him.

Until then... be still, my soul...