Here Lies Nio...

I met up with a doctor friend of mine because he wanted to help me lose weight. While I was with him, I am reminded of this lump located somewhere right of my chest and let him take a look at it. I already had one doctor look at it when it was as small as a pea. He said there’s nothing to worry about. Now, my doctor friend was somehow giving me a worried expression on his face, but then re-assured me that it's probably nothing and I need not to bother about it. But he said he wants me to make an appointment to have a biopsy just to make sure, and he wants me to do it as soon as possible. So we decided to have the the biopsy early July.

As it turns out, from what I researched, men can have breast cancer also… and I am, somehow, for the past two days, bothered. Breast cancer runs in my Dad’s side of the family, and his sister died of it a few years back. A while ago, I was online looking it up. There are so many possible reasons why I have this lump that now has grown to more than two inches. There’s the possibility that my estrogen levels are abnormally high, or my liver is not functioning well, or it just might be there’s an abnormality on my chest muscle. But for whatever reason, I am somehow panicked, and I, for a short moment, came face to face with my own mortality… is this what I’m going to die of? Am I ready to die? Have I fulfilled my purpose in life here on earth?

Death has never been an issue to me. I know where I’m headed should I die. But now that I felt it this tangible… na pwedeng mangyari this horribly, it somehow scares me. I saw how my Aunt suffered when she died of cancer. It was an awful, awful sight. They were already giving her loads of morphine so that she won’t feel the pain. There were times when the morphine would lose its effect, and she’d be moaning this awful sound… and it just breaks us. True, she was surrounded by the people she loved the most, but in my case, I wouldn’t want the people I love see me go through such a horrible state.

Last night, I was just singing and singing to God, trying to numb my pain with worship, and it somehow worked. I was in pain last night not because of the lump; it never felt painful, only when it gets bumped. I was in pain because here I am, finally finding some semblance to what I want to do with my life, then all of a sudden, I am faced with the possibility of loosing my life. Yes, I know, I’m getting ahead of myself, but certain circumstances that night brought me to that realization. The thought of loosing someone close to me because of a misunderstanding triggered it… and it scared me. So, there I was, Monday evening till the sun came up, facing my computer and listening to mp3’s of Christian songs, singing my heart out to God, worshiping Him at the top of my lungs. And the songs I was singing were very reassuring.

“He Who knew you from the start, sees your heart.”

“He’s more than amazing, more than marvelous, more than miraculous.”

“There is strength in the Name of the Lord… blessed is he who comes in the Name of the Lord.”

“…The crowds are gone, Lord now’s the time I need Your song, to give me joy and certainty, when no one else is watching me. I need You more than words can say…”

It was such a long time since I last did that. I was performing for an audience of One, literally speaking. Yes, when I sing on stage, I sing only to my God, whether it is on a gig or in church or wherever. But singing alone for my God is a different experience. You’d know that the only Critique there is isn’t looking at your performance, but is looking at your heart. HE is not critical about the high parts or the intricate meshing of the different notes put together, but He’s looking at your motive for worshiping.

I knew then, and I was reminded, that I need not to worry about tomorrow, because God is already there.

“For I know well the plans I have in mind for you… plans for your welfare, not for woe! Plans to give you a future full of hope. When you call ME, when you go to pray to Me, I will listen to you. Yes, when you seek Me with all your heart, you will find Me with you…”

Jeremiah 29:11-14